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Squishy


My Life, My Words, My Everything

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I wrote a letter to matt on our 6 month anniversary and i never gave it to him because it took me so long to write and i wanted him to love it and for it to be the perfect time and place and this is what the insert was, a poem i wrote for him-

"Many say you can't put a price on love
But I can very easily
Seven stamps, seven envelopes
One phone call Sunday evenings
And long lonely nights and hard stressful days
Surrounding yourself with pictures, letters, and songs
praying that everything will
be alright
Love does have a price- and it's not cheap. You can't help who you truly fall for
and no matter what the circumstances you would not trade them for anything
Love letters many call them but i know they are more
They are soul letters because the words are filled with emotions and feelings deeper then the heart no matter what the actual words are
The cost of love is costly but the outcome is always
priceless"

- Tamara Bruno

To matthew scott bellrose

I can't lie to myself i will always love just like i always have. I can't forget even though i try. Something happened this past year. But what you do with it is your decision i can't make you love me like you did back then


i have realized something- i loved him then not the man he is now, usually when someone joins the army you think they become a man well it did the opposite to him and that is alright. i am sad and i will always love the man i met before any of this. the man that wanted to marry me and it's alright because he is gone and i can't be with the guy he is now. I need someone to hold me in the cold, run with me in the rain, smile with me in the darkest hour, and say i still love you at the end of the day.

Thats what love is not playing house and having an extreme amount of sex, the white dress, or honeymoon, its what happens after that and i knew that and i thought he was man enough to know that too.
To wish the best and happiness is the best but i give him two weeks before he calls me wanting me back and then i can tell him "But we are only friends, remember?"

I may be sad but i am not weak.

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You know when you think quietly to yourself and think back on your life and wich you could just take all the good parts and combine them and have a better life. wll i wish i could say i felt like that i want to, i miss things i never thought i would ever miss and hate things i never thought i would hate. i am living my life the best of my aility but i dont think iam doing good enough. no matter how hard i try i am always missing something, jesus its 4 am and i dont know why i can't sleep and i don't know why. my life is getting on the right track but the closer i get to acomplishing my goal i get scared and i want to run away even more. i want a better life, but i dont know how to do it. i want to stay happy, because i already am.... but there is something that i don't know what to do....

i am doing everything i wanted to do, what i have worked for, and one day comes by and i am all fucked up and i don't know what to do anymore. i cant make decisions for my self and i don't know what to do with myself. i want to just forget my past so it wouldn't hurt so much sometimes and not meet any new people so i wouldn't have to feel like i should be better for them or want to help them or be apart from them. i am so tired of wanting things i really dont want because i thought it was a good idea at the time. i want to be open to my family and to my mom and to everyone but i am so scared and everythime i try i get scrwed over.

i am done trying to hide i don't want to anymore and i want to be accepted. after all this time i just want to be happy with myself <3
Current Location:
Mohawk Hall 307
Ears are subjects:
random mix
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Ever created your own version of a sport? Tell us how you play it.
 strip padidile 

a padidile is when theres one headlight missing from a car and you see it with your friends in a car and the last one to say "padidile" and put their hand on the roof has to take off an article of clothing and shoes don't count ;)
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I haven't written in here a while,,,, i don't know its crazy how one moment can change a person for the rest of their life.. now there is nothing left to say except i have my heath and my life and my family... i am in a situation that i don't know anyone that can help me with not even mysef i hate not knowing what to do... i can help everyone except myself
my life doesn't change that much...i have a new boyfriend and like all the rest of the ones before him i think he is different but this one really likes me and i don't know y... enough to want to marry me...oh big shocker i swear so many people want to marry me but i have never gotten married.. oh jeeze

Current Location:
dorm
my insanity:
scared scared
Ears are subjects:
better than me - hinder
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Today i donated blood in a blood drive... phil is still distant and now he is moving to california in 4 weeks.... yea wonderful i feel like falling in to a bottomless pit and i feel light headed and i want JACK i can't stand this anymore i am tired of doin this because he is having doubts and he is second guessinghis actions and he thinks he can find another me later and i will be better off anyways? How does he know and what if i don't want to...

 

tday i actually ate for the first time in a week i can't i don't want to do anyhting but hold on to a conversation a little bit longer tomorrow is friday and saturday i am supposed to go to a show but hes gonna be there an a part of me only wants to go to see him and make him see what he relli is doin and also show him that i am over him ok no i am not but it never hurt to lie once in a while

he called me today at like 1 am and i must have finally drifted off but i picked it up on the first ring and he told me he couldnt sleep and that he missed talking to me because he is so use to talk in to me and that he is comming back to me and that i never lost him and i just want him to tell me that i am the one that he loves me no matter what and that he can't think of being with anyone else becasue thed thought of ever having something else with someelse is too heart clenching its worse then us ever having to say goodbye....

why is this so hard i hate it i can't stand that i want more then anyhting for him to move on because he needs to live his life and find out what he wants out of it and he's gonna be happy i know i love him too much too see him stay here no matter how huch it hurts i know i can do this i can tell him goodbye forever and i know i will be ok... \

i still feel the same way i hate that even after this week of hell i  still would take him back after all the comments and the lies and the secrets i still would no doubt and i know thats not right and i know tonight is the last time i talk to him like i still love him and i know there isn't love anymore because his voice is empty and is tone is undermineing and theres no joy in our conversations and i have to see this for what it is.... no realtionship ends on good terms there is open wounds and pain and distraught and there is nothing to prevent this...

i dont want to die i know that even thou i have thought about it but i am not gonna get me down yea i trusted him but so it happens my heart will get steped on again this isn't the last time i say i love you to someone i know

i just want to graduate and do whatever then get on i have to go i have lesson in TA so \


BAAAAAAAAAAAAye

my insanity:
crushed crushed
Ears are subjects:
random ipod music
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i can't think about him being with anyone else i love him but i have to say goodbye and i don't want to and it is so hard and i and tired of trying so hard just because i love him i can't eat i can't sleep and i can't even smoke right anymore... he's in my head and im trying to get over him because he said i have to that i am better off that i deserve better but i don't want to find anyone better and i just want him to stop doing this and realize that i love him no matter what and im not compermising my life for him i am doin everyting i was going to do before him and i just want him to see that i love him
Ears are subjects:
im not missing you
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Alright i know i haven't posted up in a while but i have been busy. With moving away from home next year and actually living on my own is a big thing.... Also have a serious but not so serious relationship... for people that know i have been going out with this guy named black phil for almost 4 months which is a long time for me an i am happy for the most part... 

          But you know when you can get that tingely feeling and you feel like a little kid eating an icecream on a swing?? i feel like that everytime he's around but lately i have been feeling like he doesn't feel the same and he's only with me becasue i am tamara i am squishy and he knows that if we break up i will be ok and he wont and i have become his best friend and i told him that i always will be but i don't know if we should keep holding on i don't see it being worth it anymore and i hate it so much ahhhhhhh
have to go but hopefully I get back sooon
Current Location:
library
my insanity:
anxious anxious
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I have a new boyfriend his name is Black Phil and i like him alot enough to mention him but i don't know if its right well i have to go bye Squishy
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Me and Javiel got back together and we made a year today =D
im happy i think
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Life is as normal as usual can't complain but can't rejoice...i can't wait til my birthday i want to go to great escape,,, i have been listening to stone sour alot letly nothing bad just realli thats it

i have to work today :( i realli dont want to go in but i have to beacuse i am tamara and thats me and they would kill me but realli what else would i do ya know i would sit home and sleep get yelled at cause i wouldn't want to do anyhting... yea keyboard is off...erm its not me... 

i wwant to go to spain for that internship but only 20 ppl can go and i would be on the waiting list neways i have to go for now i'll come bacc later

Squishy

my insanity:
blah blah
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